Hit the Road, Jack
by ano-nimmus
Summary: When Jack gets drunk, he goes to Elizabeth's ship to seduce her. Onboard he meets a landsick sailor, a threatening first mate, and a foulmouthed Will Jr.  Will he succeed in his quest? Not if Elizabeth has anything to say about it... [oneshot][songfic]


**Thanks much to all who alerted me to the fact that Will III was seven the first time mentioned and five the next. I've changed it!**

**This is really my first songfic, so I hope you enjoy it despite yourself. XD The story is pretty short because the song itself is. The song doesn't completely fit, but I like it a lot, and it's a mood I get from this sort of scene.**

**_Song: Hit the Road Jack_**

**_Artist: Ray Charles_**

**_Author: ano-nimmus_**

**Bon appetit!**

* * *

Jack Sparrow could hold his rum well, but this night perhaps, he was holding too much. Jack was drunk. It had been inevitable that he would get drunk since he was thirteen, and now at last the day had come. He was drunk, Will was away ferrying the souls of the dead, and Elizabeth was most likely on her ship with her son, who had been named, inevitably, Will Turner. _Yet another one_, he thought as he ambled towards the ship of Lady Elizabeth Swan, Pirate King and Lord of the South China Sea. _I have already been unfortunate enough in my life as to meet the first two, and right when I'm getting used to it along comes number three._

Sighing at the thought thst he would most likely live to see a fourth at this rate, he made his precarious, drunken way to the harbor, where he knew the Singaporean ship would be. He wasn't quite sure what he was planning to do, but utter drunkenness pulled him inevitably toward the bay.

After meeting several buxom young ladies, kissing them, and promising his eternal if somewhat shaky affections, he found himself gazing up at the sails of the ship that had once belonged to Sao Feng. "Thar she blows," he muttered, meaning to say 'Here goes' but unwittingly quoting a novel which may or may not have existed owing to the fact that it was an alternate universe.

He took a hesitant if inevitable step up the gangplank, and then another. Once he had reached the top, he surveyed yje stretch of deck currently available to his sight. One sailor leaned over the side of the ship, vomiting.

"Landsick, mate?" said Jack sympathetically. The Asian man halted in his sickness and glared at Jack with the ferocity of a rabid dog. His face was pale beneath the tanned exterior, his eyes wide. And the drunk Pirate Lord realized what he was there for. "Thought so. Look," said Jack with a world-weary air, "I'm meeting your captain, who I plan to seduce and take to bed, possibly exploiting any remaining innocence and undoubtedly angering her beyond anything you can possibly imagine. Would you mind pointing me in the direction of her cabin?"

The sailor blinked, vaguely gestured a hand towards a set of stairs leading downwards, and returned to his saltwater vomitorium.

Inevitably pleased and still very drunk, Jack Sparrow thumped down the stairs, braids waving wildly as he went. He entered into a long candlelit hallway leading to a bamboo door at the very end. No other doors graced the walls of the hall. He walked quickly to the one door and knocked loud as he could.

A moment passed before the door swung open. Jack groaned; Will Turner III, aged five, had opened the door, a hearty combination of his father and mother. Then Elizabeth came to the door. Resting her hand on her child's head, she looked at Jack suspiciously. "What are you doing here?" she demanded.

"Elizabeth, my dear," he said grandly, sweeping his hat off his head and bowing--or rather, dipping his head, as a real bow would have tipped him over, rum-filled as he was. Cheerfully, he added, "I was just coming to seduce you."

Elizabeth stared. When she spoke again, her voice was icy. "I am married, Jack." And a song ran through her head.

_Hit the road Jack and don'tcha come back,_

_No more no more no more no more,_

_Hit the road Jack and don'tcha come back_

_No more._

She shook her head to rid her head of the melody. "If that's all you came for," she hissed, "then go away. I have no need of you here."

He stared at her disbelievingly. "Oh, c'mon," he chided. "You know you want to. Why just a couple of years ago you kissed me passionately and a few weeks later you tried to just 'cause I ran around shrieking and saved Will." He gave her a wink. A suggestive wink, and Elizabeth shuddered.

"No," she stated flatly.

_What'd you say?_

_Old woman old woman, oh you treat me so mean,_

_You're the meanest old woman that I ever have seen._

"Oh, c'mon," Jack said again, his head practically bobbling in disbelief.

"Go on!" she said, her voice growing in volume. "I do not have to take this from you. I have men-"

"Who may or may not," said Jack, cleaning his fingernails with a small knife he had pulled out of one of his pockets, "be faithful to you as they were to Fao Seng."

"Sao Feng," Elizabeth corrected him. Then she yelled, "Soong Wei!" Immediately a clattering came from the stairs.

"Wuzzat Chinese?" he muttered questioningly.

"It's his name." Elizabeth sighed irritably.

"Whose?"

"The first mate, who is currently pointing a spear at your neck." Jack turned to look but before his head completed the half-turn a sharp point poked at the base of his neck.

"Ah," he said. "That certainly is a problem, isn't it?"

"Will you go now?" asked the female Pirate King, almost benignly. "I don't want to have to drive you off, Jack. You're a fine companion when you're not drunk or trying to seduce me, and believe it or not you're a good friend."

"Well..."

_Well I guess if you say so_

_I'll have to pack my things and go (that's right)._

_'Cause I'll be back on my feet some day,_

"Well, go on," she said. She poked him as well, causing him to duck down in an attempt to prevent himself from being impald on the spear behind.

"But..." He gave her an almost pleading look. The women in the cities knew him and hated him, but they also wanted him. As a...erm, lover. Coming face-to-face with someone who only liked him as a friend was...frightening, in a way. But refreshing. But also scary.

And then he caught sight of Will Junior. He was only five years old, but Jack bent down on one knee and said in a cheerful baby voice, "Me am Jack Spawwow. Me am twying to thedooth oo's mummy. Okey-dokey?"

Junior, who had up to this moment been sucking his thumb, pulled the finger out and said, "Yer a retard, aren'tcha?"

Once more, Jack barely managed to keep himself from being impaled. "What is _Junior_ here doing, learning words like that? It's not sanitary for the ears!"

"Like yours are sanitary, anyway..." Elizabeth grumbled. She nodded to Soong Wei, who placed the point on the side of Jack's neck, forcing him to the side. Slowly, carefully, the Asian first mate shifted Jack until he was facing the stairs.

"Go, " the un-seduced woman said. "Or I'll set Willy on you."

"You already have-"

_"Again!"_ she snapped. _"I'll set him on you again._ And get yourGod _blasted_ guts_ down that hallway and up that staircase or I'll walk you off the plank."_

"I can swim, you know," Jack pointed out. "Contrary to popular belief, which prefers the rumor in which I am strangled by a rabid octopus."

"I'll have you bludgeoned and _push_ you off the plank then!" She sighed. "Just go."

He left with all haste possible with which one is able to leave while retaining one's dignity.

_Don't care if you do, cause it's understood,_

_You got no money, and you just ain't no good_

_Well I guess if you say so_

_Uh, whud jou say?_

_I didn't understand you._

_You can't mean that ..._

_Aw now Baby, Please_.

The last thing he heard was Junior muttering, "Demm'd retard."

* * *

**Okay, that was fun. I'm doing more of these, I hope. I'm also planning a history of Jack Sparrow, but that won't be up for a long time, probably, as I'm moving from Taiwan to California in a few days with three years' worth of boxes. **

**Anybody wanna trade places with me?**

**LEAVE A REVIEW.**

**ano-nimmus**


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